All Your Perfects

One of my favorite authors, Colleen Hoover, released a novel entitled All Your Perfects & I couldn't wait to read it. She announced the release of the book months ago & I pre-ordered it not caring to know the premise. I just knew if Colleen wrote it then I would love it.

I really thought this book would make me hate Colleen Hoover. 

As soon as the plot was revealed I went on the defensive, became angry, scared, & skeptical as to whether or not I would be able to finish this book. 

I finished it in less than 2 days.

I couldn't put it down because it felt like this book was written about my life. I was Quinn and Kevin was Graham. We lived what they were going through & each page welled up so many sad memories from our marriage. For an author who has biological kids, Colleen Hoover wrote All Your Perfects as if she were infertile. Not a single sentence felt disingenuous to me. She clearly dug deep & did her homework to capture what it really feels like living with the certainty that you are not physically able to reproduce. 

The first line that describes the all-encompassing feeling of hopelessness when faced with infertility (for me) is found on page 32. 

"Reproduction is required to complete the circle of life. We are born, we reproduce, we raise our offspring, we die, our offspring reproduce, they raise their offspring, they die. Generation after generation of birth, life, and death. A beautiful circle not meant to be broken. Yet...I am that break. I was born That's all I'm able to do until I die. I'm standing on the outside of the circle of life, watching the world spin while I am at a standstill." 

- Colleen Hoover, All Your Perfects

I had to sit with this passage before I was able to read more because it's true. When you live with infertility, you live with this all-consuming brokenness and every friend or social media post announcing a pregnancy or birth is like a mirror reflected back on you, taunting you, making you feel inferior as a man or woman. 

We lived in our post-infertility diagnosis grief for close to a year. We avoided the topic of babies and pregnancy. We would sleep next to each other but feel miles apart. Kevin would hold me when I would cry but it wasn't until years later that I realized he held in his grief so that I could let out my own. We were broken but as described in All Your Perfects the only reason I can gather that kept our marriage from crumbling is that we both didn't give up at the same time. 

“What's the secret to a perfect marriage?' The old man leaned forward and looked at me very seriously. 'Our marriage hasn't been perfect. No marriage is perfect. There were times when she gave up on us. There were even more times when I gave up on us. The secret to our longevity is that we never gave up at the same time.” 

― Colleen Hoover, All Your Perfects

Make no mistake, infertility and pregnancy loss have the power to destroy a marriage. On the days we couldn't pray, when we couldn't get out of bed, God showed up for us in various ways. Friends checked in, parents loved on us, my dog Khloe snuggled with me with the top of her head reverently placed against my forehead, nature reminded us of all the beauty here on earth. So if you know a couple who is going through infertility, you have to be a lifeline for them. Knowing you haven't been forgotten, that you are loved enough by your community to get you through this valley, can sustain us to carry on.

"I no longer hide it. I embrace it. I'm learning how to wear my struggle as a badge of honor and not be ashamed of it. I'm learning to not be so personally offended by other people's ignorance in relation to infertility. And part of what I've learned is that I have to have a sense of humor about it all." 

- Colleen Hoover, All Your Perfects

Recently, someone I know decided to ask me about my infertility. When I gave her the go-ahead to ask, the very first question was: So is the problem with you or Kevin? Smiling, I replied that it's both of us but that we believe everything worked out the way it was meant to because we have Rosie. That we believe with every fiber of our beings that we were made to be infertile because God knew this little girl would need a family one day. Dismissing my answer altogether, she said, "Right, but our bodies were made to reproduce. If that's something you want just pray and God will make it happen. It's what He wants for us...to have a natural child." 

I've shared this with my close friends & they all had the same reaction so I'm going to pause while your anger simmers. Take your time. I'll wait. 

You good? 

Alright, as hateful, closed-minded & ignorant as this sounds, internally I was laughing at everything this person was saying to me. If this had been 5 years ago it would have devastated me to catatonic levels. But now? All I can do is laugh it off and try to navigate through these encounters with as much grace as humanly possible. 

But I realized this conversation has burrowed deep into my subconscious ever since it happened. It doesn't make me feel bad for myself, it angers me a little mainly because had I been a person struggling with God, the hope this person was trying to serve me would have turned me away from the faith altogether. 

When I talk about infertility to people, especially Christians, I always try to educate them on how hurtful the Christian community can be towards people like me. No one means to make us feel this way, but it happens. When you're told that your faith isn't strong enough, balks when you say you've given up hope, or that there's 'got to be a reason' God hasn't allowed this to happen, it builds shame around your heart and in your mind. Brick by brick, it walls us off from our Christian community and pushes us out from those who should love us through these hard times. While I believe we have hope in Christ to make all things possible, I also believe that God allowed us to feel this pain. It didn't make sense while we were living through it, but by the end, this trial did make us stronger and it gave us the perseverance we needed to start the adoption process. 

What I said to this person is absolutely true. I truly believe I was made to be Rosie's mama & Kevin her dad. We have our medical diagnosis to explain our infertility and while I do believe God creates miracles every single day, I believe Rosie was our miracle. And before you tell me you know someone who adopted and then IMMEDIATELY got pregnant (since that's apparently the cure for infertility...) we adopted Rosie almost 3 & a 1/2 years ago & I am still not pregnant. I get my period every 28 days like clockwork, & out of all of this that remains to be the biggest slap in the face. If it was in the cards for my reproductive system to only work 1/2 way, I wish it wouldn't work at all...but I digress. We can be thankful for our infertility because I can't imagine my life without our daughter. She's the physical embodiment of the years we waited and prayed to be parents. How could I ever look back at what we went through and resent it knowing that if we hadn't gone through this process we wouldn't have her? 

“Gratitude is born in the struggle. And we have definitely struggled.” 

― Colleen Hoover, All Your Perfects

All Your Perfects was a balm that healed a lot of the crap going on in my head that I didn't know I was carrying around. I couldn't have read this book pre-diagnosis, so I don't recommend it for those of you who are currently battling infertility or pregnancy loss. Wait until you reach the other side so you can read it with a somewhat stable heart. I am at peace with everything but it still hurts (every 28 days) and I still cry sometimes for things that will never be. This book is rated R, but so is life. ESPECIALLY life with infertility. If you have friends going through this I would strongly urge you to read it and, hopefully, it'll make you a better friend. 

While you're at it, become a CoHort like me and fall in love with Colleen's other books. Each one is amazing...for reals. www.colleenhoover.com

Lots of Love - Brooke

To Colleen, 

It's taken me a really, really long time to find a voice for all of the things I've been experiencing so I'm extremely grateful to you for writing this book. I can't imagine what it was like for you to create this world but I'm so glad you did. Thank you for giving a voice to the 1 in 8. The couples who feel like we were left out. The ones clinging to hope because it's the only thing that gets us through the day. I've met you at a book signing once & I think if I ever met you again I would be mortified to tell you any of this in person. So if you ever actually read this, & we do happen to meet again, let's just act normal as if I haven't gushed about any of this. Deal? Keep writing...I'll always preorder. - B

Open Hearts = More Love

Open adoption may seem unconventional from the outside looking in, but it's really easy. It's easy because every time we look at our daughter we are reminded of how she came to us.

We are coming up on 3 years since we completed our home study & became a waiting family. Life passes us by so quickly but I feel it's important to remember these milestones. Even ones that hurt.

We were so hopeful knowing we were about to embark on a new adventure full of unknowns. We were naive in thinking we would have a short wait for our baby, but God turned what would unfold into fourteen months of waiting to prepare our minds and our hearts for our adoption. During that time we learned about how to be great adoptive parents. We met so many other waiting families who are now great friends. We prepared a happy home for our daughter.

I watched her last night roaming around the house and couldn't help but feel nostalgic seeing her bounce around and sing sweet songs to herself. She was picking up things and climbing on furniture and I smiled at how comfortable she is in our home. She's quite the fearless and curious little girl and she belongs in our home.

We haven't seen her birth mama since the day after she was born in the hospital. We chat regularly and we keep up with her life, but we have respected her right to grieve and move on. To heal and become the person she wants to be. I carried a lot of guilt for months, well the first year Rosie was alive, for our birth mama. I knew she was in a lot of pain and worried about some of her health issues and longed so badly to reach out to her. On May 8th, 2015 (Mother's Day & Roslyn's 1st birthday) I received a text during church from her. She wished me a Happy Mother's Day and Rosie a happy birthday. Said she loved us and that we were meant to be her parents. She said she knows she wasn't ready to be a mom and was so happy that Roslyn has us in her life. I wept and I think if we weren't in public Kevin would've cried when I showed him the texts. Our birth mama is SO gracious and brave. She's amazing, smart, kind, artistic, and will always be considered a sister in my heart. She gave me so much peace knowing she was OK and at the end of the service when we dedicated Roslyn to the Lord, I was so overcome with joy.

Rosie is 20 months old as of yesterday. She loves to dance, sing, color, and always wants to walk outside or eat snacks. :) She is kind to other children & loves animals.

Her favorite TV show is Curious George (if the makers of this show or movies are reading: PLEASE MAKE MORE GEORGE! Sincerely, Parents who know every movie and episode by heart.) She loves The Little Mermaid (which is also her birth mama's favorite), Beauty and the Beast, The Princess and the Frog, Tangled, & Frozen.

But next to George, her favorite movie in the whole wide world is Finding Nemo. She will point to the TV and scream "NEMONEMONEMONEMONEMO!" until we turn it on sometimes.

She eats like a bird but will always ask for "'Nack?!" (snacks) whenever she's bored. LOL

She loves to be tickled, chased, and likes to sneak up and scare people.

We are hopeful that we will get to see her birth mama next month. We are praying for this sweet reunion and hope you'll join us in prayer as well.

Open adoption can be difficult and sad on so many different levels but it's also beautiful and easy. Especially when you have such a sweet baby to love.

- Brooke

Officially Official

Dear Roslyn,

We didn't need a judge to tell us we are a family.

We don't need a piece of paper with our last name at the end of yours in order to call you 'daughter'.

After seven months of watching you grow and develop we went downtown to become officially official.

We vowed to love, honor, and protect you for the rest of your life.

You won the judge over as you naturally do with everyone you meet.

We held you tight as he granted us fit to be your parents & breathed a sigh of relief when it was over.

 A lump caught in my throat as your new name was announced. 

We will always be thankful for the journey that lead us to adoption. 

For your birth mother and father for being selfless, brave, and giving. 

For the community of people surrounding us that prayed for our family.  

For the God of all creation that brought you into this world for a very special purpose.

Every day we look at you in awe.

We look at you in wonder and think this may be a dream we don't want to wake up from.

Please know you are wanted.

You are loved.

You are important.

You are meant for incredible things.

There was never a day where you didn't have a name. 

Or a family.

Or a home.

  Our greatest Christmas gift is you and our lives have a greater purpose with you in it.

We are so excited to watch your story unfold.

We are thankful to be your parents, sweet girl. 

Love - Mom & Dad

Love Found Us

Adoption is unpredictable. Even though we knew for nearly fourteen months that we could get The Call at any moment, it took us completely by surprise when it finally did happen. This is a long blog post but I am writing this for Rosie so that I can preserve these memories and allow her to read them when the time comes.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

On my way back from grabbing a cup of coffee I realized I missed a call on my cell phone, then my desk phone. When I listened to the voicemail on my cell it was our caseworker saying I needed to call her back at the office as soon as possible. Everyone asks, "Did you know right away why she was calling?" The answer is no. Thinking she was calling about a baby was the last thing on my mind.

Two days prior we attended a class and listened to families talk about their wait and subsequent placements. It was a great session but I left feeling pretty depressed. Several times during the meeting the couples said they were considered dozens of times by birth mothers throughout the process and I sat there thinking, "Not one mother has even requested our book! For over a year we have waited and no one has shown interest in us!" At the end of the session our caseworker gave us all a few announcements and one of the things she said to everyone was that she would call every waiting family once a quarter just to check in to see how everyone is doing. So hearing her message, with what she said just days before, I figured she just wanted to see how we were doing.

When I called her back our conversation started off like any other. Hi! How are you? Am I calling at a bad time? I just wanted to chat for a moment...

She told me we were on speaker phone with the entire agency staff. (At this point I still didn't think anything weird was going on.) Then she proceeded to tell me:

CW: "Do you remember at our session the other day how I said I would be calling all of the waiting families to check in on how things are going?"

Me: "Yes..."

CW: "Well that's not why I'm calling. I'm happy to let you know that you and Kevin have been matched!"

Me: [stunned/shocked/dead silence] "Ok...?????"

In a matter of seconds my heart started racing and I sat down to furiously write down information about the baby and the birth parents that chose us. We were given basic history about the mother, her health and her due date (three weeks away). Oh and that she was having a girl! (!!!) They warned us to guard our hearts because birth father was on the fence about placing their baby for adoption, but he wanted to honor birth mother's wishes. Our caseworker and the birth mother counselor scheduled a lunch for us all to meet a week later and they told me they'd be in touch if anything changed. Before hanging up our caseworker said, "How awesome is it you got the call in the middle of Infertility Awareness Week?" God's timing was indeed absolutely perfect.

When I called Kevin to give him the news he was just as surprised and shocked as I was and didn't understand what I was telling him. (Bad cell reception didn't help matters either.)

So we waited a week. We wondered what the birth parents looked like. We read and re-read the info sheet we had about them. We prayed every day that the time to meet them would come quickly.


Monday, May 4th, 2015 

We made the trip about 45 minutes outside of Nashville to meet everyone. We were to have lunch at Cheddar's (how surreal is that?!) and met with our caseworker and the birth mother counselor before the birth parents arrived. As we waited our caseworker mentioned that they knew we were matched the night of our adoption meeting the week she called but they couldn't say anything. She also mentioned us not wanting to know when families considered us to which we replied, "Actually we did want to know..." We all realized there was a miscommunication and that multiple families over the months had considered our profile but we weren't informed. I think that was God's way of protecting us from heartache. It was really hard thinking no one considered us, but I think it would've been harder for me to know families were considering us but not choosing us.

So we made idle chit-chat while we waited and I was a ball of nerves. Imagine the most intense blind date and job interview all rolled into one. I kept thinking how I would even be able to eat in front of these people, what they would think of me and Kevin when they saw us and what questions they would ask us.

The moment they walked towards our table I felt like all of the puzzle pieces connected into place. We stood to shake their hands and I gave birthmom a present we brought her; a necklace I made with a hummingbird pendant. The hummingbird represents bravery and courage.

We only had a hour to meet and both mom and dad seemed so chill. They said several times, "We saw all we needed to see in your book," and "This is why we chose you..." 

We went into our meeting thinking they were on the fence about placing their baby for adoption, but really we had to catch up with them because they thought it was a done deal. It felt surreal to think that they saw us fit to raise their child. I remember every moment of out meeting but I also remember feeling completely dazed, almost like it was a dream or an out of body experience.

We talked about our upbringings, how we met, when we got married, and our hobbies. We talked about our dogs, and got to know about their lives as well. We bonded over our love of animals and music, and we talked about places we could meet up during the summer here in Nashville.

The topic of openness was brought up and immediately I could tell that birthmom was nervous. She started to list what she would like out of the relationship (photos, letters, etc.) and then asked if she could send the baby presents on her birthday and at Christmas. When she mentioned the presents I told her that would be fine but suggested we meet up on her birthday and maybe during the holidays so she could see her in person every year. She looked at me as if to thank me for that gift and with tears in both of our eyes I just nodded.

The counselor brought up the topic of naming the baby and said that birthmom had a name in mind. She went on to explain that there was a name past down for six generations in her family and if we didn't mind, she would love for us to use it.

Athena

Without hesitation I told her I loved the name and said we also liked the name Roslyn. Our caseworker asked if birthmom liked the name Roslyn Athena and she said she loved it.

At the end of our lunch meeting, bithdad called an audible and told the counselor that they had a request and he hoped it would turn out OK since he didn't run it past her in advance. We all looked nervously around at each other until he finally said, "We would like for you to be at the delivery."

My heart stopped. I looked at birthmom and asked if that's what she wanted. (I say ask when I think I whispered the words. I was incapable of speaking at that moment.) She nodded and our caseworker rubbed my back because all of the tears I had been holding in slipped out and I had to take a moment to compose myself.

Everything wrapped up quickly and we went our separate ways. Both the caseworker and counselor thought the meeting went really well and said we probably wouldn't hear anything until she goes in for delivery, which was two weeks away.

We left the restaurant and made a pit stop at a Best Buy next door where I sobbed in the parking lot. It would be a long two weeks.

Friday, May 8th, 6:25 am

Text from caseworker: Pack your bags! Birthmama is in labor!

I screamed for Kevin. I showed him my phone to make sure he was seeing the same words I saw. He had the day off and I was about to leave to go to a conference so we felt completely caught off guard. We were told to hang tight for a little while and then received the all-clear to head to the hospital around 10 am.

Since birthmom went into labor so early, no one from our agency was going to be able to make it to the hospital in time. They told us it would be an emotional risk to show up without them as mediators so we had the option to stay home. When I relayed the information to Kevin he said, "Even if they decide to keep her, I still want to be there for them."

Within minutes of our arrival to the waiting room a girl came into the lobby and we just knew she had to be associated with the birth parents. When she got a good look at us she pointed and yelled, "Are you the adoptive parents?" We lamely nodded our heads, too shell-shocked to speak and she said she would let birthdad know we were here.

We stood when he came into the lobby and he asked if we'd like to come back. We told him we would take their lead and he assured us that birthmom wanted to hang out with us before the baby came.

As we entered her room I could hear Rosyln's heartbeart through the monitor. A sound I never thought I would be able to hear from my child. I saw birthmom hooked up to a bunch of monitors and she smiled and took my hand when I approached her. Everyone laughed when I let out a sob and birthdad walked around the bed to hug me and said, "I'm glad you guys are the ones adopting her."

We hung out for about 45 minutes and chatted about motorcycles, heavy metal, our favorite candies and about their morning since she first went into labor. We laughed when Roslyn kicked the monitor or got the hiccups and Kevin held birthmom's hand when the drugs she was given made her shaky. When the nurse said she was ten centimeters dilated we were asked to step back into the waiting area and were informed that when we heard the lullaby over the loud speakers, that it would be her.

Nervously, we waited and expected to settle in for a long day. Fifteen minutes later we heard the lullaby.

Roslyn Athena was born at 1:03 pm weighing six pounds, 6 ounces and was 20 inches long.

We hugged, cried and sent mass texts to family and friends. She was here. Our daughter.

At least we hoped she would be.

It took a while for birthdad to come out but when he did he showed us a picture of Roslyn on his phone and said birthmom was doing great. We followed him back into her room and as soon as I walked around the privacy curtain I saw her holding our little girl. This was the moment I feared. I knew that if she would change her mind it would probably be the moment she held this baby girl in her arms. Seeing her staring at the baby, cradling her close to her chest, my eyes burned with tears.

When she saw us come in, birthmom smiled at me and said:

"Do you want to hold your baby?"

My body felt numb as she handed me this tiny bundle. Roslyn was perfect. More beautiful than I ever dreamed.

I prayed that I would be able to be at the hospital the day our child was born, but I never expected it to be like this. I was accepting of the fact that we may adopt a child weeks or months old but there was always this longing to be there and meet him or her on their first day. I'm so grateful our birth parents gave us this gift.

The hospital staff didn't seem to know how to handle our little group. They thought we were relatives or long time friends, but when we explained our adoption plan they lit up and commented on how natural we all got along. When the director from the adoption agency came there were moments when I watched him simply observe all of us. He said over and over how beautiful our situation was.

The hospital hooked us up with a room next door to birthmom's and even gave me a handy-dandy "Mommy Band" so I had equal privileges to see baby girl.

We spent the rest of the night with birth parents and then all decided it might be best for us to take her that night so birthmom could rest. We hardly slept, but it was the the most wonderful night of our lives.

 Kevin had to work the next afternoon so we spent the morning with Roslyn and carted her to birthmom's room to say our goodbyes. This was it. We left the hospital completely in love with this new little human and absolutely scared that the parents would change their minds and decide to parent.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

For the record, in case anyone cares, I still hate Mother's Day.

Birthmom and I shared texts that morning wishing each other Happy Mother's Day and even birthdad told Kevin to let me know that they loved me. However, that afternoon we each received a panicked phone call from birth parents and the counselor asking us to promise them that we wouldn't cut Roslyn out of their lives. We freaked out and I cried for hours. What I feared would happen actually happened and I was convinced that they wouldn't follow through with their adoption plan.

Every day that week, until birthmom went to court and during revocation I cried, my head was wracked with headaches and we couldn't sleep. We waited for news that birthdad submitted his termination papers and that birthmom scheduled her court appointment.

When we heard news that their day in court was over, but that it was an incredibly stressful and traumatizing day for birthmom, I felt terrible. I wanted to reach out to her and tell her how sorry I was for taking her baby. I couldn't bear her pain and hated this side of adoption. Even though she assured me that this was for the best, a part of me wished she could hang on to Roslyn, even though I knew she had already let her go.

Revocation in Tennessee is three business days so we waited...again...for everything to be official. This final wait would end at 5 pm on Monday, May 18th.

At 5:01pm I sent a text to our caseworker that said: Can you put us out of our misery? 

When she called me back at 5:03 she said, "IT'S OFFICIAL! You have a baby girl!"

Tuesday, May 19th, 2015

We brought Roslyn home! We met her Interim Mom and said prayers over baby girl with the staff and quickly (yet safely) brought her home to our house! It was a surreal day.

She was too tiny for our car seat!

It took so many months to get to this point and we still can't believe she's ours. Going forward we hope to maintain our relationship with her birth parents and pray that Roslyn grows up to know that no matter what, during this whole process, from the moment of her conception to the time she was born, that she is loved beyond everything else.

We are so in love with her birth parents. They have given us the greatest gift anyone could give another human being. We have told them over and over that we aren't just adopting Roslyn, we are including them into our family as well.

We are so thankful for the support hundreds of you have shown towards us over the course of the past two years. To each of you who supported us in prayer, contributed to our fundraisers and have sent us countless cards and gifts, we are forever grateful. Thank you for helping us achieve the dream of becoming parents.

This is only the beginning.

Lots of Love,

Brooke

Updates & Fundraisers

It's hard to blog about the adoption when we don't have a single update to share. When we see folks & they ask how long we've been waiting, it reinforces how long this process takes & how absolutely frustrating it can be. We are definitely learning how to be patient, trusting and understanding. We know that all of this waiting means something awesome is about to happen & that feels exciting!

Last night at small group we had an excellent conversation about suffering & while I don't necessarily believe we are currently suffering, I can look back through this process & realize how far we have come as a couple & how much the past 5 years has shaped us. One of my takeaways were, "Once you have learned from the pain, you've grown from it too."

I think back to a conversation I had with a great friend I had a long time ago who said, "I can't wait for you to be on the other side. I'm so excited to talk with you have once you can look back & see how things have turned out." When we have particularly bad days, we find comfort that there is hope in the end & we have to remain patient in all things.


So the only adoption update I can provide is that although we thought we were finished fundraising, we actually need to do a little bit more this year. First, I want to say that we are constantly AMAZED by the outpouring of generosity from family, friends & strangers. When we first decided to adopt the only thing holding us back was the cost. We were convinced there was no way we would be able to afford it but God provided in ways we never ever imagined. When we renewed our home study last month the costs involved chipped away at the savings we have built up for the placement & took away the cushion we had to cover legal fees we will have once we adopt a child.

Once the plans are finalized we will advertise another yard sale we're going to have at our house. It will be in June so if you are planning to purge home items, please keep us in mind before you donate them to Goodwill. We don't have the space to start hoarding stuff, but in May we will begin collecting items you may be looking to get rid off.

The next thing I am SO excited about is a portrait fundraiser.

I have to brag on Kevin because he's immersed himself in photography over the past year and it's become such a healthy, creative outlet for him to share with the world. As we thought of practical ways we could raise extra money for the adoption we had the idea to see if anyone would be interested in scheduling portrait sessions with him. Here are some examples of portraits he's taken:

If you're interested in booking a 1/2 hour or 1 hour session with Kevin, he will take portraits for your family, engagement, new baby, senior photos, bands or your fur babies!

We're asking $25 per half hour session so if you would like to book an appointment, please email us at babymasch@gmail.com & he'll work out the details with you! Given our location we are only able to schedule appointments in Nashville, possibly Cincinnati and Ocala, too. But we cannot guarantee when we will be able to travel outside of Tennessee right now.

Please share this information with your friends & help us get the word out about our fundraiser! It would mean the world to us.

Finally, I ask for your prayers in remembering my Granny who is going to start radiation in the coming days which will last for 5 weeks. It's so hard to be away from home during times like these but we are confident this course of treatment is going to be the best thing for her. Every time I talk to her on the phone she tells me I have to hurry & bring her a great-grandbaby!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Lots of love - Brooke



Year #2

We've entered year #2 of the wait and it honestly sucks. (We can be honest with each other, right?)

I've said for over a year now, "the average wait time is 10 months to 2 years..." but in my mind I didn't want to believe that to be true for us. But with everything else in life we have no control over the what's and the when's, we just have to be prepared for whatever life throws our way.



 

We had a great meeting with our case worker to renew our home study where we talked about openness, changing our service plan & what happens next. We got real about how we feel 12 months into the process, & talked about staying busy in 2015 even though it's becoming increasingly difficult to stay positive.

 

I feel we're on the verge of something great & we appreciate your continued support during this time.

 

We are getting really excited about having a baby around & the nursery is almost complete. We just got rid of the guest bed to make room for the crib! Once everything is set up we'll share photos with you guys. We think it's Koola's favorite room. As you can see, he supervised the deconstruction of the guest bed & was none too happy about not being consulted in the process.

 

 

 

I worried about seeing a baby's room in our house, but I find myself going in there every now & then to seek refuge. It's become a place of comfort for me, a reminder to keep going & not quit what we've started.

 

 

 

Again, we are so grateful for every day & the possibility of what's to come. For now, we're staying busy watching movies, reading books, finding ways to be creative & laughing as often as possible.

 

Watch Friends seasons 9-10, particularly the episodes centered around Monica & Chandler's infertility & adoption. The writers of that show did an amazingly accurate job of finding humor in all of it. (Inhospitable womb, anyone?) We have had so much fun watching these episodes & often catch ourselves nodding along, crying & laughing so incredibly hard at what these characters go through.

 

If you follow me on any other social media platform I've already inundated newsfeeds urging you to check out the documentary Closure, but seriously, WATCH THIS DOCUMENTARY:

 

http://closuredocumentary.com/ 

It's about a young woman named Angela who decides to search for her birth parents. I started to cry after the first 5 minutes & sobbed until the very end. I'm asking everyone to watch this because it portrays adoption in such a beautiful, healthy way. For those of you who have no association with adoption in your personal lives at all, it will show you what the process feels like. After we finished the movie Kevin said, "People who can have kids have docs like The Business of Being Born. We have Closure." If you have ever wondered how to talk to someone going to through the adoption process, or a friend struggling with their identity due to closed adoption, this movie will help you not only be a better human but a better friend.

Angela & her husband travel around the country speaking on trans-racial adoption so consider attending an event should they come to your city!

Thanks for reading & encouraging us to keep going.

- Brooke

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting (part 2)

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting (part 2):

An Open Letter to the American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology

Waiting Rooms with Pregnant Women. It sucks as big as it sounds.

Pity Party, Table of One

 Infertile Myrtles are Still Normal People Too

This week has been rough. I haven't felt like blogging because nothing has really happened with our adoption for a few months. When we go through these lulls, a lot of feelings and emotions rise to the surface that you forget about when you're too busy to care.

Christmas was quiet. I reluctantly decorated & we watched a few holiday movies. To be honest I didn't feel like celebrating. We bought a present for Baby Masch, though, & enjoyed quiet times with the K-Bears. Our inward hopes were that this would be our last Christmas as a family of 2, but I think we were too afraid to voice that sentiment out loud.

Two years. I've successfully avoided my gynecological health for two years. I figured the 1/2 year I spent being poked, prodded & looked at inside & out during 2012 would give me a pass from Well Woman exams for a while. Well, late last year I chided myself for neglecting my personal health & thought of all the various forms of cancers I may have obtained since my last exam. I immediately sought a new GYN (because I didn't want to go back to my midwife...) & they scheduled me for my annual exam this week.

Blessedly, I forgot all about this appointment until last week. The reaction I had the day of my it came surprised me in a lot of ways & I realized the pain of infertility never goes away, even if I feel fine. I felt anxious, sad, depressed, uncomfortable & like I was going to puke all day. I prayed that I could get in & out as quickly as possible but as luck would have it that ended up not happening.

My doctor had to leave to deliver a baby so I ended up in the waiting room surrounded by excited couples & big bellies. It's really hard accepting your plot in life when what you want is completely surrounding you. I just wanted to go to each woman, each husband, & tell them to cherish what they have. To not take it for granted & be HAPPY. I realized my eyes were stinging so I pulled out my paperback & blocked out the chatter, the pregnancy magazines & the TV playing a loop of baby advice. When the nurse called me back I all but ran into their back office & avoided as much eye contact as possible.

So here I sat. Staring at this table & reading my paperback, again, to distract myself from the woman in the next room complaining to her doctor about back pain, when her baby would get here, etc.

The nurse came back to enter information into their system & take my blood pressure. (Which was high at this point.) With her back to me, she went through the list of routine questions about my cycle, last exam, & how mild-to-severe my cramps usually are. Eventually, she came to the question I dreaded:

"Are you currently on any form of birth control?"

I responded with a simple "no" & without skipping a beat she followed up with, "Do you use any other forms of contraception?", in which I responded again, "no."

Her next question, "Would you like to speak with the doctor about prescribing birth control?", was answered with another "no" by me so she followed that up with, "Should you become pregnant do you have a plan in place or would you care to discuss options with the doctor?" (Or something like that...my eyes were stinging again & my thoughts were screaming in my head.)

When I responded negatively this time she finally turned in her seat & asked if I cared to elaborate. (Again, my focus was on keeping my cool & not crying in front of this woman so I don't exactly remember her precise wording.)

To those who know me well enough, or have gotten to know me through this blog, you know I have a unique way with words (I'm trying to be nice about myself here) but I tend to lean on the edge of being too blunt on most occasions.

As calmly as I could, I replied: "I was diagnosed infertile two years ago. Needless to say, if I get pregnant I think I'd be OK with it."

The nurse paused, realizing her error, & turned back to her computer without pressing the subject. After an uncomfortable moment of silence she said (still not looking at me) "Miracles happen every day..." I explained to her that I was adopting & her response was "Then you're going to be blessed either way."

I wanted to write all of this to simply explain that Infertile Myrtles have to go to the Gyno, too. We aren't all pregnant or waiting to be pregnant, we're normal people who shouldn't feel ostracized because you're basically a baby factory all day, every day. Just because we can't procreate doesn't mean our uteruses & cervixes don't need attention. Furthermore, read all the freaking questionnaires & forms I had to fill in stating (in detail) my infertility diagnosis & declining birth control consult.

I think the word I'm looking for here is: Sensitivity.

It sucks being angry & feeling like damaged goods...or feeling like you don't belong. The worst is being pitied.

...especially when you pity yourself. Which is what I've been doing this whole time. 

So I'm going to quit that for now. 

I'm grateful for friends who encourage me to blog & share my story. Since we started this blog I have heard so many stories of other couples suffering through infertility & child-loss. It's been therapeutic to know so many of you have found hope & strength in numbers. It's goes a long way when we realize we aren't walking alone. 

The adoption process is hard. I don't think we were completely prepared for this emotional roller coaster but I hope we're doing an OK job at it. We don't know how much longer we have to wait, but we've made it 10 months & wait 10 more if necessary. 

Lots of Love,

B