What To Expect When You're Not Expecting (part 1)

This post goes out to all the Infertile Myrtles out there...

I've been reading a lot of posts about infertility and decided to join in on the movement that's now affectionately known as Fertility Fridays. It can be extremely hard to live with infertility but I don't believe it's anything we should be ashamed of. If you're struggling with it or think you may be infertile I would love for you to connect with me so we can talk about it. The best thing I have found when dealing with infertility is that there's strength in numbers and nothing is too hard to bear when you're holding someone else's hand.

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

I don't think I'm alone in saying that when you decide to start having kids you go into it thinking that it'll be the easiest thing in the world. People get pregnant every day but as the months go by and you aren't getting pregnant, niggling doubts pop up in your mind and begin to fester. Early on, I really didn't know anyone else who had problems conceiving so there were a lot of times when I felt completely lost. I don't claim to have all the answers when it comes to fertility treatments or testing, but this is my story...

It'll Happen...Right?

My husband and I decided to start trying for kids about 3 years into our marriage. We really didn't worry about it after the first couple of months but once months 6,7, and 8 came along we started to get impatient. I really believe you should talk to a doctor after a year of TTC (trying to conceive). If you have a gynecologist you can trust, they won't immediately force medications on you to help you get pregnant. I found out when we received our final diagnosis that a drug like Clomid would not work for me, so I'm grateful for my doctor's wisdom early on advising against wasting money on pointless treatments. *more on that later

After we tried for a year, we started researching on our own different reasons for infertility, ways to improve your chances of getting pregnant, etc. It's tricky at this stage in the game to NOT become obsessed with your struggle. It can become maddening to try and try and try to make something happen. It consumed me and affected my daily life. I had no reason to doubt my ability to become pregnant so I started buying ovulation kits, I changed my diet, took prenatal vitamins, worked out and read up on every blog or book I could find about methods for conceiving. Despite all my efforts, things weren't happening.

I gave up on my gynecologist and started seeing a Nurse-Midwife who, despite not knowing anything about infertility, worked tirelessly to help find answers for me. She recommended a book called Taking Charge of Your Infertility that was extremely helpful explaining not just conceiving but natural birth control, and understanding the female reproductive system. One of the methods for planning and preventing pregnancy is to chart your temperatures to gauge when you're ovulating. My Midwife suggested I chart my temperature for at least six months so she could get a good idea on what my body was doing. *please take note that I had already peed on hundreds of sticks every morning hoping to learn whether I was ovulating or pregnant. I wasn't looking forward to another six months of testing, but I was willing to try anything. Once I started charting, I kept my thermometer on my bedside table, mapped out my temps and went on with my day. After three or four months I had pages of line graphs mapping my body's temperature and still no clear answers. At my six month check-up she decided that my results were inconclusive but it appeared that I wasn't ovulating normally.

When you get to this point I believe you have a few options:
1.) Move on and come to terms with the unknown. You might get pregnant one day but you might not. Change your priorities, consider it a closed door and carry on.
2.) Continue testing. Seek a specialist to further test any problems you're having with conceiving.
3.) Talk about alternative ways of becoming parents (IUI, IVF, surrogacy, fostering, adopting).

If You Don't Know What an RE is, Then You're Probably Fertile

We decided to go with option #2 and I can proudly say that I am lucky to have a husband that wasn't embarrassed to get tested. It's a sensitive thing to talk about with men, but you have to remember if you're both wanting to get pregnant YOU ARE A TEAM. There shouldn't be embarrassment to get tested (for men or women).  This type of shame reflects the idea that we live in a society where it's normal to conceive and you're abnormal if you can't. Treat infertility like any other illness or disease. You shouldn't ignore it and you should want to know what's going on in your body.

We sought out a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) next and began what would become a 10 month process of diagnosing our fertility. It sounds super scary but here's what you need to keep in mind when you visit an RE:

Their sole job is to help people conceive babies. There are many different methods to make this happen but a good RE will completely diagnose your health before prescribing treatments and alternative methods to pregnancy. Believe me, I asked if I could just take medicine or do an IUI at the very beginning but our doc was patient and said he wanted a clear picture of what was going on before he would make any decisions.

We were given a timeline of tests necessary for me to complete and started right away with blood work and ultrasounds. If there's one thing I can guarantee when it comes to fertility testing it's this: You will give TONS of blood and get poked and prodded in places where the sun don't shine every time you visit.

The Lupron Challenge Test came first, doesn't that sound exciting?! It's really not that fun. The LCT tests hormone levels and egg development/sustainability. You go in two days in a row, on the 1st day of your period (I'm not joking) give tons of blood, get a shot of Lupron (which makes you a crazy hormonal) and an uterine ultrasound (you want to stick what, where?!?!?!) More blood is given the following day and through all of this they can see how healthy your eggs are. *spoiler alert: I failed the Lupron Challenge.

A few weeks later I went into the hospital for a procedure where they took cameras and looked at my fallopian tubes, they sucked out a sample of my uterine wall and took a closer look at my ovaries.

Quick story: I'm in pre-op when Nurse Ratched comes to my bed and goes through my file. She quickly tells me that my doctor is en route so we will get going pretty soon. Before walking away she adds, "oh good news! You're not pregnant. Your pregnancy test came back negative!"

People can be really insensitive.

What Happens Now?

When we received our final diagnosis we were told that we would have less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally and 50% if we went with other alternative options. It was extremely hard to hear initially but I'm glad we have the results because it helped us move on. What did we do after we received the news? We took a trip. We went to visit friends and toured some National Parks and took time away from the world to absorb our diagnosis. I guess you never know how you will handle a situation until you're in it. I can tell you I've never felt grief like I did when we first found out. It really sucks and it doesn't stop sucking.

After a lengthy bit of time we had a talk about kids. Did we still want them? How would we have them? Then we took more time to dwell on alternative means to parenting. Let me just say there is no right or wrong answer here. You have to do what's good for your family and not worry about what the everyone else says. I wanted to still be a mama but realized I don't need to carry a child or even be biologically related to him or her to be one. Throughout our entire journey we agreed that we would make all of our decisions as a team and if 1 of us vetoed an idea then we would drop it and move on to something else.

When we started the adoption conversation we both felt at peace about moving forward. I knew that no matter what we would fulfill our desires to parent by adopting a child who needs a home. We sought advice from friends who adopted and eventually chose an agency that we felt comfortable with. Even though we have chosen to adopt and I CANNOT WAIT TO ADOPT it still hurts to think that I can't have a biological child.

So if you're in the middle of the infertility struggle and don't know what to do next, just take it one day at a time and keep breathing. Talk to someone about it. Talk to ME about it. If I'm useful for anything it's an endless supply of funny YouTube videos and motivational photos on Pinterest. It'll get easier...I promise.

Lots of Love,

Brooke