Infertile Myrtles are Still Normal People Too
This week has been rough. I haven't felt like blogging because nothing has really happened with our adoption for a few months. When we go through these lulls, a lot of feelings and emotions rise to the surface that you forget about when you're too busy to care.
Christmas was quiet. I reluctantly decorated & we watched a few holiday movies. To be honest I didn't feel like celebrating. We bought a present for Baby Masch, though, & enjoyed quiet times with the K-Bears. Our inward hopes were that this would be our last Christmas as a family of 2, but I think we were too afraid to voice that sentiment out loud.
Two years. I've successfully avoided my gynecological health for two years. I figured the 1/2 year I spent being poked, prodded & looked at inside & out during 2012 would give me a pass from Well Woman exams for a while. Well, late last year I chided myself for neglecting my personal health & thought of all the various forms of cancers I may have obtained since my last exam. I immediately sought a new GYN (because I didn't want to go back to my midwife...) & they scheduled me for my annual exam this week.
Blessedly, I forgot all about this appointment until last week. The reaction I had the day of my it came surprised me in a lot of ways & I realized the pain of infertility never goes away, even if I feel fine. I felt anxious, sad, depressed, uncomfortable & like I was going to puke all day. I prayed that I could get in & out as quickly as possible but as luck would have it that ended up not happening.
My doctor had to leave to deliver a baby so I ended up in the waiting room surrounded by excited couples & big bellies. It's really hard accepting your plot in life when what you want is completely surrounding you. I just wanted to go to each woman, each husband, & tell them to cherish what they have. To not take it for granted & be HAPPY. I realized my eyes were stinging so I pulled out my paperback & blocked out the chatter, the pregnancy magazines & the TV playing a loop of baby advice. When the nurse called me back I all but ran into their back office & avoided as much eye contact as possible.
So here I sat. Staring at this table & reading my paperback, again, to distract myself from the woman in the next room complaining to her doctor about back pain, when her baby would get here, etc.
The nurse came back to enter information into their system & take my blood pressure. (Which was high at this point.) With her back to me, she went through the list of routine questions about my cycle, last exam, & how mild-to-severe my cramps usually are. Eventually, she came to the question I dreaded:
"Are you currently on any form of birth control?"
I responded with a simple "no" & without skipping a beat she followed up with, "Do you use any other forms of contraception?", in which I responded again, "no."
Her next question, "Would you like to speak with the doctor about prescribing birth control?", was answered with another "no" by me so she followed that up with, "Should you become pregnant do you have a plan in place or would you care to discuss options with the doctor?" (Or something like that...my eyes were stinging again & my thoughts were screaming in my head.)
When I responded negatively this time she finally turned in her seat & asked if I cared to elaborate. (Again, my focus was on keeping my cool & not crying in front of this woman so I don't exactly remember her precise wording.)
To those who know me well enough, or have gotten to know me through this blog, you know I have a unique way with words (I'm trying to be nice about myself here) but I tend to lean on the edge of being too blunt on most occasions.
As calmly as I could, I replied: "I was diagnosed infertile two years ago. Needless to say, if I get pregnant I think I'd be OK with it."
The nurse paused, realizing her error, & turned back to her computer without pressing the subject. After an uncomfortable moment of silence she said (still not looking at me) "Miracles happen every day..." I explained to her that I was adopting & her response was "Then you're going to be blessed either way."
I wanted to write all of this to simply explain that Infertile Myrtles have to go to the Gyno, too. We aren't all pregnant or waiting to be pregnant, we're normal people who shouldn't feel ostracized because you're basically a baby factory all day, every day. Just because we can't procreate doesn't mean our uteruses & cervixes don't need attention. Furthermore, read all the freaking questionnaires & forms I had to fill in stating (in detail) my infertility diagnosis & declining birth control consult.
I think the word I'm looking for here is: Sensitivity.
It sucks being angry & feeling like damaged goods...or feeling like you don't belong. The worst is being pitied.
...especially when you pity yourself. Which is what I've been doing this whole time.
So I'm going to quit that for now.
I'm grateful for friends who encourage me to blog & share my story. Since we started this blog I have heard so many stories of other couples suffering through infertility & child-loss. It's been therapeutic to know so many of you have found hope & strength in numbers. It's goes a long way when we realize we aren't walking alone.
The adoption process is hard. I don't think we were completely prepared for this emotional roller coaster but I hope we're doing an OK job at it. We don't know how much longer we have to wait, but we've made it 10 months & wait 10 more if necessary.
Lots of Love,
B
