One of my favorite authors, Colleen Hoover, released a novel entitled All Your Perfects & I couldn't wait to read it. She announced the release of the book months ago & I pre-ordered it not caring to know the premise. I just knew if Colleen wrote it then I would love it.
I really thought this book would make me hate Colleen Hoover.
As soon as the plot was revealed I went on the defensive, became angry, scared, & skeptical as to whether or not I would be able to finish this book.
I finished it in less than 2 days.
I couldn't put it down because it felt like this book was written about my life. I was Quinn and Kevin was Graham. We lived what they were going through & each page welled up so many sad memories from our marriage. For an author who has biological kids, Colleen Hoover wrote All Your Perfects as if she were infertile. Not a single sentence felt disingenuous to me. She clearly dug deep & did her homework to capture what it really feels like living with the certainty that you are not physically able to reproduce.
The first line that describes the all-encompassing feeling of hopelessness when faced with infertility (for me) is found on page 32.
"Reproduction is required to complete the circle of life. We are born, we reproduce, we raise our offspring, we die, our offspring reproduce, they raise their offspring, they die. Generation after generation of birth, life, and death. A beautiful circle not meant to be broken. Yet...I am that break. I was born That's all I'm able to do until I die. I'm standing on the outside of the circle of life, watching the world spin while I am at a standstill."
- Colleen Hoover, All Your Perfects
I had to sit with this passage before I was able to read more because it's true. When you live with infertility, you live with this all-consuming brokenness and every friend or social media post announcing a pregnancy or birth is like a mirror reflected back on you, taunting you, making you feel inferior as a man or woman.
We lived in our post-infertility diagnosis grief for close to a year. We avoided the topic of babies and pregnancy. We would sleep next to each other but feel miles apart. Kevin would hold me when I would cry but it wasn't until years later that I realized he held in his grief so that I could let out my own. We were broken but as described in All Your Perfects the only reason I can gather that kept our marriage from crumbling is that we both didn't give up at the same time.
“What's the secret to a perfect marriage?' The old man leaned forward and looked at me very seriously. 'Our marriage hasn't been perfect. No marriage is perfect. There were times when she gave up on us. There were even more times when I gave up on us. The secret to our longevity is that we never gave up at the same time.”
― All Your Perfects
Make no mistake, infertility and pregnancy loss have the power to destroy a marriage. On the days we couldn't pray, when we couldn't get out of bed, God showed up for us in various ways. Friends checked in, parents loved on us, my dog Khloe snuggled with me with the top of her head reverently placed against my forehead, nature reminded us of all the beauty here on earth. So if you know a couple who is going through infertility, you have to be a lifeline for them. Knowing you haven't been forgotten, that you are loved enough by your community to get you through this valley, can sustain us to carry on.
"I no longer hide it. I embrace it. I'm learning how to wear my struggle as a badge of honor and not be ashamed of it. I'm learning to not be so personally offended by other people's ignorance in relation to infertility. And part of what I've learned is that I have to have a sense of humor about it all."
- Colleen Hoover, All Your Perfects
Recently, someone I know decided to ask me about my infertility. When I gave her the go-ahead to ask, the very first question was: So is the problem with you or Kevin? Smiling, I replied that it's both of us but that we believe everything worked out the way it was meant to because we have Rosie. That we believe with every fiber of our beings that we were made to be infertile because God knew this little girl would need a family one day. Dismissing my answer altogether, she said, "Right, but our bodies were made to reproduce. If that's something you want just pray and God will make it happen. It's what He wants for us...to have a natural child."
I've shared this with my close friends & they all had the same reaction so I'm going to pause while your anger simmers. Take your time. I'll wait.
You good?
Alright, as hateful, closed-minded & ignorant as this sounds, internally I was laughing at everything this person was saying to me. If this had been 5 years ago it would have devastated me to catatonic levels. But now? All I can do is laugh it off and try to navigate through these encounters with as much grace as humanly possible.
But I realized this conversation has burrowed deep into my subconscious ever since it happened. It doesn't make me feel bad for myself, it angers me a little mainly because had I been a person struggling with God, the hope this person was trying to serve me would have turned me away from the faith altogether.
When I talk about infertility to people, especially Christians, I always try to educate them on how hurtful the Christian community can be towards people like me. No one means to make us feel this way, but it happens. When you're told that your faith isn't strong enough, balks when you say you've given up hope, or that there's 'got to be a reason' God hasn't allowed this to happen, it builds shame around your heart and in your mind. Brick by brick, it walls us off from our Christian community and pushes us out from those who should love us through these hard times. While I believe we have hope in Christ to make all things possible, I also believe that God allowed us to feel this pain. It didn't make sense while we were living through it, but by the end, this trial did make us stronger and it gave us the perseverance we needed to start the adoption process.
What I said to this person is absolutely true. I truly believe I was made to be Rosie's mama & Kevin her dad. We have our medical diagnosis to explain our infertility and while I do believe God creates miracles every single day, I believe Rosie was our miracle. And before you tell me you know someone who adopted and then IMMEDIATELY got pregnant (since that's apparently the cure for infertility...) we adopted Rosie almost 3 & a 1/2 years ago & I am still not pregnant. I get my period every 28 days like clockwork, & out of all of this that remains to be the biggest slap in the face. If it was in the cards for my reproductive system to only work 1/2 way, I wish it wouldn't work at all...but I digress. We can be thankful for our infertility because I can't imagine my life without our daughter. She's the physical embodiment of the years we waited and prayed to be parents. How could I ever look back at what we went through and resent it knowing that if we hadn't gone through this process we wouldn't have her?
“Gratitude is born in the struggle. And we have definitely struggled.”
― All Your Perfects
All Your Perfects was a balm that healed a lot of the crap going on in my head that I didn't know I was carrying around. I couldn't have read this book pre-diagnosis, so I don't recommend it for those of you who are currently battling infertility or pregnancy loss. Wait until you reach the other side so you can read it with a somewhat stable heart. I am at peace with everything but it still hurts (every 28 days) and I still cry sometimes for things that will never be. This book is rated R, but so is life. ESPECIALLY life with infertility. If you have friends going through this I would strongly urge you to read it and, hopefully, it'll make you a better friend.
While you're at it, become a CoHort like me and fall in love with Colleen's other books. Each one is amazing...for reals. www.colleenhoover.com
Lots of Love - Brooke
To Colleen,
It's taken me a really, really long time to find a voice for all of the things I've been experiencing so I'm extremely grateful to you for writing this book. I can't imagine what it was like for you to create this world but I'm so glad you did. Thank you for giving a voice to the 1 in 8. The couples who feel like we were left out. The ones clinging to hope because it's the only thing that gets us through the day. I've met you at a book signing once & I think if I ever met you again I would be mortified to tell you any of this in person. So if you ever actually read this, & we do happen to meet again, let's just act normal as if I haven't gushed about any of this. Deal? Keep writing...I'll always preorder. - B
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